Why Being Kind to Yourself Feels So Hard(And why that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong)

You know the advice.

“Be gentle with yourself.”“Talk to yourself like you would a friend.”“Practice self-compassion.”

And yet… something in you resists. You try, but it doesn’t stick. It feels fake. Uncomfortable. Even unsafe.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not failing. You’re not broken. You’re likely protecting yourself in the only way you know how.

A woman with flowing hair clasps her hands over her heart, displaying elegantly manicured nails and a silver ring, conveying a sense of gratitude or contemplation.

“I know I should be kinder to myself… but I can’t.”

This comes up in therapy all the time. People who understand the idea of self-kindness—but can’t seem to let it land. There’s a reason for that. And it usually isn’t laziness or stubbornness. It’s survival.

Self-criticism often starts as self-protection.

Maybe you grew up believing that being hard on yourself was how you stayed safe. Or that high standards kept you loved, accepted, or out of trouble.

Maybe self-compassion was never modelled. Maybe being kind to yourself feels unfamiliar, even threatening. Like letting your guard down in a world that’s never felt quite safe.

Your inner critic didn’t come from nowhere. It likely formed as a response to pain, shame, or pressure.

And now? That voice feels automatic. Normal. Necessary.

A young child in a white shirt playfully covers their face with their hands against a dark background.

What if kindness feels… risky?

For many people—especially those with trauma, anxiety, or neurodivergence—being kind to yourself can feel like:

• Letting go of control

• Being “weak” or “lazy”

• Opening the floodgates

• Losing your edge

• Trusting something unfamiliar

That’s not a character flaw. That’s conditioning. And it takes time to unlearn.

What self-kindness actually looks like

It’s not about toxic positivity. Or treating yourself to a bubble bath you’ll resent.

It might look like:

• Pausing instead of pushing through

• Saying no without guilt

• Offering yourself the benefit of the doubt

• Replacing “What’s wrong with me?” with “What do I need?”

And in therapy? It might start with someone else holding that compassion for you, until you feel safe enough to try it yourself.

A heart-shaped string of lights glows warmly against a blurred background, symbolizing love and warmth in an enchanting setting.

You don’t have to earn kindness. You deserve it now.

If self-compassion feels clunky, foreign, or even frightening… you’re not alone. Therapy can help gently untangle where those fears came from—and slowly build a different kind of relationship with yourself.

One that isn’t based on pressure or punishment. One that lets kindness in—not because you’ve earned it… but because you exist.

If being kind to yourself feels like something you just can’t do yet—you're not alone. Therapy can help you gently explore why self-compassion feels so difficult, and offer you a safe space to unlearn those old patterns.

You don’t have to do it all yourself. You’re allowed to let someone sit beside you while you try.

You can find out more or book a session here.