“The Window of Tolerance: Why You Sometimes Shut Down or Blow Up”

You’re trying to stay calm… But suddenly everything feels too much. Or maybe the opposite—you go numb. Tired. Foggy. Disconnected.

You wonder:

• Why do I freeze like that in conflict?

• Why can’t I just keep it together?

• Why do small things suddenly feel huge?

There’s a name for this. It’s called your Window of Tolerance.

A woman sits pensively on a window ledge, gazing outside at the leafy greenery, creating a serene and introspective atmosphere.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, the “window of tolerance” is the zone where we can manage emotions, feel connected, and think clearly—even when life is a bit stressful.

When you’re in your window, you might still feel stressed or sad or overwhelmed—but it’s all manageable. You can stay grounded. You can respond instead of reacting.

But when something pushes you out of your window?

Your nervous system takes over.

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What Happens When You Leave the Window?

You might go into:

1. Hyperarousal – Fight or flight

• Panic

• Anger

• Restlessness

• Overwhelm

• Racing thoughts your brain’s shouting: “Do something! Get away!”

  
  

2. Hypoarousal – Freeze or shutdown

• Numbness

• Disconnection

• Foggy thinking

• Fatigue

• Feeling “not here.” Your brain’s whispering: “It’s too much. Let’s disappear.”

These are nervous system responses, not personality flaws. You’re not weak. You’re not broken. You’re wired for survival.

What Pushes Us Out of the Window?

Lots of things—especially when we’ve lived through stress, trauma, or long-term emotional strain. For example:

• Conflict or criticism

• Feeling ignored or rejected

• Loud noises, busy spaces

• Feeling trapped or out of control

• Unmet needs from childhood being triggered now

And sometimes, it doesn’t even take much. A single text or a tone of voice can flick that internal switch.

Can You Widen the Window?

Yes.

That’s one of the core goals of therapy—to gently expand your window so more of life feels tolerable. So you don’t shut down or spiral every time something hard happens.

Together, we can:

• Build emotional awareness

• Develop self-regulation tools

• Explore what shaped your window in the first place

• Create safety—internally and in relationships

You don’t have to live life constantly bracing, reacting, or recovering. It takes time, but regulation is something we can learn.

A person embraces the warmth of the setting sun by the rocky shore, capturing a moment of serene freedom and joy.

You’re Not Overreacting—You’re Overwhelmed

So if your nervous system hijacks you sometimes… that doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

It means you’re human. And that part of you that flips into fight, flight, or freeze?It was just trying to protect you.

You’re allowed to slow down. You’re allowed to learn a new way. You’re allowed to stay within your window—and gently widen it.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. Therapy can help you understand your responses with compassion, and gently grow your capacity to cope and connect.

You can find out more or book a session here.

I’d be honoured to sit with you as you learn to feel safer in your own nervous system.