When You Look Like You’re Coping… But You’re Not

Let’s be honest — it’s entirely possible to look like you’re holding it all together while feeling like you’re barely keeping your head above water.

A young woman sits at a desk with a focused expression, biting a pencil in concentration and staring at a laptop screen.

Maybe you’re showing up at work, ticking off your to-do list, replying to messages with a smiley face emoji… and yet inside, you feel heavy, flat, or on edge. Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.

Many people I work with tell me things like:

“I don’t think anyone would guess how I’m really feeling.”

“I’m functioning… but I’m not okay.”

“I feel like I have to hold it together for everyone else.”

There’s even a term for this — ‘surface coping’ — where everything looks fine on the outside, but underneath there’s stress, exhaustion, or emotional overwhelm quietly simmering.

Why We Hide How We’re Really Doing

There are lots of reasons we mask our true feelings:

• We’ve been conditioned to “just get on with it.”

• We worry about being a burden.

• We feel guilty because “others have it worse.”

• We’re scared of being seen as weak or dramatic.

Sometimes it’s just easier to plaster on a smile than explain what’s really going on. But that doesn’t mean you’re thriving — it just means you’ve become very good at pretending.

Overwhelmed by tasks, a man is buried under a flurry of sticky notes, symbolizing the chaos of modern life and the necessity to take a break.

You Don’t Have to Earn Support by Hitting Rock Bottom

One thing I often say in therapy is: You don’t have to be falling apart to deserve help.

You don’t need a breakdown to justify reaching out. You don’t need to be visibly struggling to get support. Even if things look okay, it’s valid to feel not-okay inside.

Pain doesn’t have to be dramatic to be real. Disconnection, low motivation, constant stress — these are just as worthy of attention as more visible forms of distress.

What Might “Hidden Struggle” Look Like?

It might look like:

• Being the “strong one” for everyone else

• Constant overthinking or feeling on edge

• Laughing in conversation, but crying at home

• Saying “I’m fine” because it’s easier than explaining

• Keeping busy so you don’t have to feel too much

Sometimes it’s not even obvious to you how much you’re carrying — until you pause and realise how drained or disconnected you feel.

A thoughtful expression on a young woman's face during a therapy session, as she listens attentively to her therapist in a comfortable and private setting.

You’re Allowed to Ask for More Than Just “Functioning”

You deserve more than just survival mode. You’re allowed to want ease, connection, rest — not just productivity or performance.

Therapy can be a space to explore what’s going on beneath the surface — to put words to what you’ve been silently carrying, and to feel seen without needing to put on a brave face.

If any of this resonates, you’re not alone — and you’re not “too much.” You’re simply human. And you don’t have to do it all by yourself. If you’re curious about how counselling might help, I’d be glad to have a conversation with you. You’re always welcome to get in touch — no pressure, no judgment. Just a space to be heard.